John’s a nice guy. Everyone says so, and that is how he thinks of himself too. He has a gaggle of girl friends (2 words), but none of them have ever become girlfriends (1 word). He has crushes on several of them, but doesn’t tend to want to make a move. The one time he did tell a girl friend that he wanted something more, she turned into a raving lunatic and the friendship ended.
He has no more luck when he goes to a bar or a singles event. He sits back with the guys and lets the night unfold. When he sees a girl who might interest him, he goes over to meet her. But things never seem to go his way. He tries to draw the girl out, but mostly he talks about himself, his job, and his hobbies. When he does summon the courage to ask a girl for more, she always rejects him.
Meanwhile, he is the sob shoulder for all of his girl friends. They go out with jerks and then wonder why their relationships fail. John has developed a composite picture of these guys in his head which he labels the Jerk. The girls all moan that they want to find a nice guy to have a long relationship with but can’t seem to find one. He hears over and over again that “the good ones are either married or gay.”
John is neither married nor gay and wonders why these women don’t see him. He simply isn’t on their radar of datable guys. Why is it that Jerks get laid while nice guys finish last?
Does every girl say she wishes she had a boyfriend just like you and then proceed to date guys who are exactly the opposite to you? If you are a “nice guy” you may be asking yourself the age old question, “Why do the jerks get the women and I am stuck alone”. It’s easy to come to believe that jerky men have a type of magical power that allows them to hook women even while they treat them like dirt.
This happens so often that many guys come to believe that the way to a woman’s heart is to put her under your shoe. Nice guys sometimes come to believe that they have to become a jerk to get a woman.
There are many different labels for Jerks. Some call them “bad boys” and others call them “charm boys.” AskMen.com, the online magazine for men even charges a pretty penny for a course in how to become a “Player.”
Everyone seems to love a Jerk.
But the truth is that no one likes a jerk. This is even true of the women who only date jerks. If this is true (and it is), then why do so many girls go for Jerks?
The first thing you have to remember is that Jerks go through lots of women very quickly. They don’t tend to form lasting relationships. So, while they may end up with a woman at the end of a night at the bar, they don’t end up in committed relationships. Jerks get the girl – but only in the short term. Jerks have a general philosophy – Love ’em and Leave ’em.
While you may be thinking that you wouldn’t mind getting laid as often as the Jerk, you have to admit to yourself that what you are really looking for is more long term. That, by definition, is why you are a nice guy.
But, in order to get the girl in the long term relationship, you must capture her attention initially. To do this, you may need to model the kinds of behaviors that attract women to the Jerk. This does not mean that you have to be a Jerk. Rather, you need to understand what makes Jerks tick.
Girls may have an initial attraction to the Jerk. But, they won’t put up with them for long. The ones who do put up with Jerks long term have such low self esteem that it is not possible for a nice guy like you to have a relationship with them. They may have developed an attachment to Jerky behavior, and there’s nothing you can do about that.
Having considered all of these factors, you may have to develop some of the characteristics of the Jerk if you just want to pick up a girl from time to time. These things will not make you a Jerk, but they will make you a more effective pick up artist and seducer. These are also things nice guys can do and still live with themselves in the morning.
Jerks are Self-Centered
You need to know that the biggest thing a Jerk has going for him is that he doesn’t care about other people. His focus is entirely on his own pleasures, thoughts, and feelings. When he sees something (or someone) he wants, he goes after it. A Jerk is totally self centered. He makes his own rules. He doesn’t let anyone – especially women – walk all over him.
You, on the other hand, see a beautiful girl and act intimidated. You think she is out of your league – you are trying to see things from her perspective.
A Jerk doesn’t care about her perspective. He just sees a hot babe and goes after her. If he doesn’t succeed, he goes after the next girl and doesn’t take it personally. Because he is not emotionally invested in the reaction of the girl (he only cares about himself, remember), he is able to approach a wide array of attractive women.
You might also be aware of what others think about you. If a girl rejects you, you worry that other guys might think less of you. A Jerk doesn’t care about other people, remember. He only cares about himself. Therefore, he is incapable of losing face in front of friends or peers.
When you go out to pick up women, you should focus on your goals alone. Set aside the fear of the woman or the other guys at the bar judging you. This gives you a great deal of power. This focus on meeting your own needs and desires is key to success with women.
Jerks Don’t Hesitate in Approaching Women
Do you want to know what the single most important thing you can do to get a beautiful woman? Go up to her and talk to her. It’s so simple. Wayne Gretzky said “you miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.’
So many nice guys don’t approach the women they are interested in. They are too shy or too intimidated by the beautiful women they see. Instead, they hang back and stare at her like a dummy. They wish they had the fortitude to actually go up and meet her.
Jerks, on the other hand, don’t hesitate to approach the girl. Remember, they are not worried about whether she will like them. They don’t care about her reaction, they only care about their desires. Instead of worrying about rejection, they think about how much fun it will be to make out with her.
If a girl rejects a Jerk, he assumes there’s something wrong with her. One Jerk I knew asked women if they were lesbians if they didn’t want to sleep with him. In his own mind, there must be something “wrong” with the woman if she didn’t want him. The Jerk doesn’t think that he is too ugly or not charming enough. It’s her not him.
Because the Jerk is easily able to approach a girl and start talking to her puts him at an advantage over nice guys. The Jerk is interacting; therefore he has the ability to score. The nice guy is sitting on the sidelines and isn’t in the position of putting the ball across the yard line.
Step outside of your comfort zone when you approach a woman. Invite her to grab a drink at another bar or to go for coffee. Ask her if she wants to go for a drive. Be spontaneous. Make her make an immediate commitment to do something with you right now.
You can be mysterious and unpredictable without violating your own values. A nice guy doesn’t have to wait to call the next day. Take command of the situation. Assume that she wants to see you and proceed from that premise.
Many times a nice guy waits for a woman to give him some indication that she is interested. While this protects him from being rejected, it is a deadly mistake. Women take their cues from the men they are with. While some feminists will claim this is not true, on the battlefield of love, you have to assume it is a given. It can be scary to put yourself out there, but if you don’t you won’t succeed.
Most girls know that nice guys exist because they turn to them to sob when their relationships with Jerks fall apart. But, they are not aware of nice guys in the bar because the nice guy simply isn’t “available” even if he’s “there.”
Have you ever been the sob shoulder when a woman says “all guys are Jerks.” She may not even be recognizing that you take these feelings to heart. Or, she may say something like “present company excepted.”
But the real reason that she sees “all guys” in the Jerk is because the Jerk is the one who comes up and talks to her. The Jerk has taken the risky move of initiating contact.
Now, to be fair, the Jerk doesn’t see making contact as risky, because it’s all about him. But, if you see approaching a woman as risky, you still have to do it. If the only men that a lady meets in a night out are a series of Jerks, when she has to choose who to go home with, it will invariably be a Jerk.
Jerks intrinsically know that it is not a woman’s job to approach a guy. The guys have to initiate contact. If you want somebody, you have to go after her.
You should realize that most women will welcome your company. You will be a relief after the series of Jerks they have met that evening and on other nights out. Women really do want to meet good men, it’s just that the Jerks are the only ones who seem to be available in their experience.
Jerks Don’t Self Censor
Most nice guys believe that there are things that are appropriate and things that are not appropriate to say when meeting any person – including women they’d like to date – for the first time. While there are social boundaries that you won’t cross (you’re a nice guy after all), you need to expand the limits of what you consider to be socially acceptable.
Jerks come off as fun, interesting and exciting because they don’t worry about offending anyone else. Remember, they only care about their own concerns, not those of the people around them. Therefore, they will talk about the things that come to mind and make jokes that nice guys censor out. They even broach sensitive topics of conversation without batting an eye.
When nice guys talk to a girl they like, they hold back. They don’t bring up sex, even in a joking manner. Many have difficulty even demonstrating any interest in liking the girl. This makes nice guys seem like boring guys in the eyes of many women.
On the other hand, the Jerk will come along, make an off color joke, tell a racy story, or even make fun of the girl. He doesn’t care if he offends someone. This is want comes naturally to him. This attitude is a breath of fresh air to many women who mistake it as confidence.
As they spend time around the Jerk, they come to find that what they initially saw as confidence is really narcissism. But at that point, you have already missed the chance of a connection with these women. There is a good chance that you will never cross paths again.
If you want to display this kind of confidence without turning into a complete Jerk, loosen up when you meet women. You should be yourself and not try to please the woman. When you stop “trying” to make an impression, you start to actually make one.
It is a good thing to care about what a girl thinks. It is good to be on your best behavior. But, that comes after you’ve secured a date with a girl. You have to get her attracted to you before you can move forward, and you do this by having confidence that you have something to offer on your own terms.
A further point here is that it is okay to be sexual around women who you are sexually interested in. In fact, flirting and other sexual behaviors are a very important signal to a woman that you are interested in her. Joking about sex can go a long ways toward letting a woman know that you are interested in being more than friends.
The final point I’m going to make on this topic is that when nice guys approach a woman, too often they have diarrhea of the mouth. They go on and on about boring things. They talk about themselves or their jobs when they should be cracking jokes, teasing the women they are with, and showing them a good time.
When you bore a girl to tears, she is not going to be attracted to you. Remember, you are not so much worrying about what she thinks. You are thinking about how to be a powerful babe magnet.
Men who are stiff and formal or who cannot control what comes out of their mouth bore women. You’ve got to be confident, loose, and sexy.
Jerks Protect their Self Esteem
When a nice guy gets rejected by a girl, it often sends him down a spiral of depression. His self esteem hits rock bottom. If he is at a bar or a party, he withdraws for the rest of the night and doesn’t see that there are a number of other attractive women available to approach.
The Jerk, on the other hand, doesn’t suffer from this problem. Because he safeguards his self esteem viciously, he doesn’t allow rejection to get him down. Remember, Jerks are jerks. They completely ignore rejection. They even go so far as to ridicule other people in an attempt to make themselves feel important.
Because they guard their self esteem in this way, they can continue to pursue their goals. They don’t fall into the funk of depression.
Keep in mind that a man with high self esteem is always more attractive to a woman than a depressed loser is. So, if one rejection turns you into a wall flower, you are most likely going to go home alone.
Nice guys can’t take rejection personally. Just because a particular girl isn’t into you, it doesn’t mean that you are not an appealing catch. It simply means that one girl isn’t right for you. So, keep looking for one who is. Don’t stop until you find her.
Rejection is difficult for nice guys to deal with. They put themselves on the line and take it personally when someone doesn’t respond. But you have to keep a positive outlook. Instead of thinking you lost that particular girl, try to see it as having eliminated a girl who would have wasted your time.
You don’t have to ridicule or bad mouth others to feel good about yourself. You don’t have to turn into a Jerk yourself. But, you should protect your self esteem as strongly as possible. That is what keeps you in the game.
Picking up women is a numbers game. The more women you meet, the more likely it is that you will find one who likes you. Jerks are successful because they are tenacious. They play the numbers.
Whereas a nice guy might meet one or two women in an evening, a Jerk will hit up 20. The law of numbers says that you have a much bigger likelihood of ending up in bed with someone if there is a bigger pool to draw from.
Jerks Don’t Feel That They Have to ‘Buy’ The Ladies
Remember that a basic premise of being a Jerk is that the ladies love him. If they don’t there is something wrong with them. Therefore, it is not necessary to spend a lot of money on their dates. Jerks don’t feel a need to wine and dine their dates.
Similarly, you should not feel like a first date has to be an event to remember. Many nice guys stress out about creating the perfect date. This is to mask their insecurity. They go over the top by selecting four star restaurants or securing tickets to big name acts.
Instead, consider going out on the kinds of cheap dates where you can really get to know a woman. Go to the zoo, a museum, or play miniature gold. When you take the pressure off, you will find that women are much more responsive to you.
Now that You Know
Now that you know what makes a Jerk successful with the ladies, you can model the traits that bring women to Jerks without becoming a Jerk yourself.
If you can begin to approach a number of beautiful women in a flirtatious manner while letting them know that you are interested in more than being friends, you can get a girl. If you can strengthen your ego so that one rejection does not keep you from approaching additional women, you’ll find a lady.
Remember that you have a lot to offer women. That is why you have a lot of girl friends. But, if you want to have a girlfriend, you have to package yourself in such a way that lets them know that you are desirable.
Your problem isn’t your personality or your nice guy status. It’s all in how you initially approach women. If you can master the art of the approach, you will be able to score a lot more and find a woman to settle down into a long term relationship with.
Nice guys can finish first. But in order to get the girl, you have got to demonstrate the confidence and easy going nature that the Jerk has.